The Cost of Being Pain-Free

First, I was always in some degree of pain even with the Methadone howbeit far less than what I am enduring now. Chess is my favorite game. While on large doses (for me anyway) my game suffered. I couldn't win with the exception against people whom were beginners -even then I would lose. Now that I am more clear-headed, I am beating beginners and sometimes pulling of wins against superior players. All directly attributable to the lack of quantities of Meth. in my body. It's a trade-off: sobriety for thinking. Another way to look at it, pain for clear, accurate thought. It's a hard choice to be made. I value my mind and sure-footed wit over the intoxifying affects of Methadone. My life is in a state of flux at this very moment. What do I do? What are my options? I have two options: healthy ones and deadly ones. Stick to what I am going through now with even more prayer (tell more people what I am going through), or, suicide. The latter choice is not a serious one but is still a choice at any rate. Suicide gives me a breather. If that makes any sense. Soon I will be out of the woods so to speak and suicide will have been a fleeting fancy. If I choose life, I will live and grow old in pain. Don't worry whomever you are I will be fine. Please pray for me.

A Tough Morning

I didn't get much sleep last night which is probably why I have been so distressed this morning. I should be okay by now; but I am not. This is hard. The bug flesh. the muscle contractions, the wanitng to get over this horrid state of life ASAP. Well, I took my Methadone and am right with the world. I have been on 5g. for about a week now. I should not be that sensitive to lack of Methadone so early in the morning. What the hell is going to happen to me when I go down to 0?

Background Info Friday 4/20 1:33a.m.

I have been rambling on about my Methadone usage or lack of it, but haven't given any insight about how I was introduced to Methadone. I am a chronic pain patient. I have been involved in two car crashes; one very severe. My back suffered injuries in both the upper and lower regions. I spent a brief stint in a Methadone clinic due to "drug seeking". Thank God that I chose to get out of there very soon so that I didn't get too entrenched with Methadone. The thought of having to go six days a week to get my "fix" seemed only too bogus. I would endure my pain. I still had my pain. I finally got into a pain clinic which prescribed me tablet form Methadone for a month at a time. I also receive two Darvocet N100 tabs/day for pain along with muscle relaxants. My highest dose was 45mg of Meth. for months (year+?). I voluntarily chose to get off Meth. When I am off of Methadone, next to go will possibly be the Darvocet. I am now at 5gm. (meth) until the 23rd of April. Then I dose down to 2.5mg. I remember when I made the mistake of taking 2.5mg. instead of my usual 5mg. It was hell. Now I get to look forward to that pain both physical and mental. My pain doesn't get any better throughout this mess, it gets worse. It is my hope that they will reconsider allowing me to keep the Darvocet. I am a walking pharmacy. I have mental health issues as well which only complicate things much further. I am Bi-polar with schizo-affective disorder on top of everything else. I take Klonipin with anti-psych meds. I take Ambien CR to sleep. I take Vistaril for withdrawal symptoms. I take Senna to crap. At one point, my doctor was thinking about prescribing amphetamines to wake me up in the morning. Right now, I am hypo-manic which makes sleeping tough. I have a motor scooter. Tomorrow I want to buy a Honda Goldwing (used). A huge difference. I want to go to Sturgis. I don't know if I will dump the thing on my first trial run. Perhaps I will have enough presence of mind to be able to handle it. I am very fearful of 0mg. of Methadone. Now you know me more. "Without chemicals, life itself would be impossible." - Dow corp.