Alright, I couldn't handle 10mg. just yet last night. Back to 15mg. for another five days and try it again. I was told that I was doing this whole ween thing too fast but I am impatient. I want to get it over and done with right now. At least I got some Ambien CR to help with sleep. I know, what a wuss, he needs all of these other crutches to get by; if it works, it works amen to that. "Newborn eyes always cry with pain". - Chris Rhea. I am much more comfortable now than this early morning of about 3:00a.m. (it is 11:22p.m. now)With luck, the Ambien will hold me down to at least 8:00a.m. tomorrow. I have Neil Diamond singing in my ears now via headphones. Something very raw, honest and earthy about his songs. The same quality I find comfort in punk rock. Yeah, Neil can rock. I hope someone reads this. Well, soon sleep will overcome me with any luck. I guess that's it for tonight. A fairly peaceful night; I consider myself blessed. Bye to whomever may read read this. If it is an addict, I hope you read my last night's (this morning's) banter of misery and then read this one. Life is not entirely bad. Ciao.
Eric
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Addiction is the topic today. I was going to rail on about Chernobyl but found that Methadone withdrawals occupy my mind at the forefront. This is Methadone not Methamphetamines. A large difference. Let's be clear what got me in this mess to begin with. I do not judge. I became hooked due to chronic pain syndrome and not heroin. Not that that makes me any better or worse. I am addicted just the same. I chose to get off of methadone (a narcotic opioid pain killer) to clear my mind. I was constantly losing things and generally having a sub-par mental alertness. At one point, I was on 45mg/day. Then dropped down to 35mg/day for a long time. This dose was my starting point to being clean from the drug. I am now down to 10mg/day and hating life. Writing about it helps immensely. The symptoms so far include being constantly cold, terrible irritability, crawling flesh, mental anguish and flu-like symptoms. I haven't even come to the hard part yet! Life is so precious but can really suck at times like these. Calling hospitals begging for Valium and knowing full well they're not going to give me any. Not at this stage anyway (I do have a small amount of Klonipin that I can take, but I keep it for the evening so I can try to sleep. Music helps. Calms the savage beast so to speak. I hate life right now. My advice for people in chronic pain, deal with it without drugs. You'll be so very much better off without them. You're constantly at the whim of your doctors if they will continue to prescribe your drugs. Nothing in this life is for certain. You could go the way of Anna Nicole Smith and other notable tragics who did find the "right" doctors. If you live somewhere that doesn't suit your pain, move. Find a nice place. Have friends that use? Lose 'em. Leave. Don't walk away from your problems, run. Give yourself a fighting chance. Of course you have to deal with unpleasant situations that you simply cannot run away from, but the sooner you figure them out either by yourself or help from a trusted person in your life the easier your pain will be able to deal with. Or whatever. You Don't want to go through this!!!! I am going to make it through this; I have no choice. It isn't that bad that suicide is even a thought. It comes in waves. I am now out of a bad wave and doing better since I started writing this blog. Between the music and writing, I am better. Praise God! Never forget that Jesus exists for us at all times. I am not a Bible thumper and you won't hear me talk much about God, but at times I do have to give credit where credit is due. "Everybody in the fun house wants out" - Del Amitri. My all time favorite quote: "When your going through hell, keep going."- Sir Winston Churchill. I hope someone has benefited from my diatribe. Peace
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