Tuesday, April 24, 2007
A rage from within
I want the shit beat out of me. I want to be thrown up against the walls. I want to be battered and bruised. I want my muscles to feel what their putting me through. Today is the first day of 2.5mg. of Methadone. I don't know what to do. Diverting my attention by writing is helping me marginally. I think I will attach my saddle bags on my motorcycle. Perhaps go for a ride. Thank God for Vistaril! It's not the end all of all end alls, but it calms my nerves somewhat. I still feel terrible though. Not a total miracle drug. Well readers, this is it for now. L'chiam.
A note to a friend
The motorcycle was a grand diversion from the up-coming withdrawals for the up-coming days and (weeks?) when I go off of Methadone for real. I am scared shitless. So to combat that fear, I have given myself something really to fear (a large motorcycle). I am feeling more comfortable on it now, but after dumping it today on a driveway hill it made me think long and hard upon a driver whom would simply not see me. It happened today on my scooter. I was almost road kill. What saved me was the manueverability of my scooter. If I had been on my cycle, I would have been seriously injured. The bike is not nimble. What it does have going for it is speed. Twice in three days I almost was killed on my scooter. What saved me on both occasions was the nimbleness of my scooter. My cycle is simply too pigish to manuever. I guess I will have to be super-defensive. I guess I will learn the nuances of my new bike and compensate with speed over agile handling. By the way, my leather saved my arm from road rash today. Thank God for cows. Thank you for going out with us on my B-day. Tomorrow (today) I cut my dose in half like so many other times down to 2.5mg./day. I will stay on this regimine for 10 days then cut loose to nada. I just finished listening to Pink Floyd's "Comfortably numb". It has been a long time since I have been "comfortably numb". It's not my mind that desires such a feeling but rather my body. It (my body) has been bugging me all along the way. I don't suspect that it will be any easier after I wake up this morning. I did however pray. Therein lies the key. The motorcycle? Let's just say that I won't die from withdrawals. Perhaps I should sell my bike. Perhaps as you say, I will get used to it and it will become second nature. No more Methadone? Perhaps last nature.
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