Not a good evening

The day has been trying but not as bad as tonight. I have finally settled down after taking 150mg. of Topamax and 1 AmbienCR. The Ambien is not making me tired, it is just taking the edge off of my anguish. I now feel "normal" praise God. My day was difficult as I was trying to take some shots of a waterfalls in my city (Minneapolis). I forgot to change a manual setting and ruined all of my shots. I have a digital SLR which is fully automatic but I usually shoot in various manual modes and sometimes forget to reset them to the needs of what is currently needed. Chalk one up to mental fatigue. My back pain is getting worse and am needing more and more Ibuprophen to ease the pain. I have upper GI issues from the past usage of Ibuprophen which I hope won't resurface but which probably will. I guess some are cursed in life. Euphoria it sure does feel good. Lack of pain sure feels good. For all you people out there that do not have problems like people such as myself try to be thankful for a straight forward manner of living. Suicide. Not yet. I just wanted to touch upon the thought. Not even toying with it - just a thought. One positive thing tonight, I figured out how to get my mug on my page. Handsome bugger aren't I? Not very much music tonight. I'm getting bored with all of my favorite CDs. It is really great to feel okay without Methadone coursing through my veins at least not at the rate as earlier in the day. Am I cheating with the Ambien? I dare anyone to answer this question. Anyone. Just say something so I know that I am not talking only to myself. I can take critisizm. Even if only to correct my spelling. I lost a love to suicide. I don't want to put others through that pain. I guess this is it for tonight. God bless everyone who reads this and those who don't. - Eric