Friday, April 27, 2007
Feeling good (praise Jesus!)
It has been a few days since I have wrote anything; this is good. No news is good news so-to-speak. I am still on 2.5mg. of Methadone down from 35mg. and doing well. I am not quite so apprehensive about 0mg. as I once had been. I know that it will be tough for the first day, but hopefully it will only bother me for no more than 2 days. I am at peace for the first time since I started this taper. At this point, I can dare say that I am out of the woods. I will be in a holding pattern at 2.5mg. for about a week. This should be enough to get me to 0mg. (too long?). At this juncture, I want to publicly thank all of the people that have been holding me up in prayer and also positive energy. Thank you all. I am still taking Darvocet. 2 tabs of N100/day for pain. This too is slated for the wrecking ball. I am not as enthused about this taper though. This is not my decision. It is the decision of a fill-in nurse practitioner. I will need to speak to my regular CNP to get his final thoughts. This is in itself a good reason to give up the Darvocet as well. If I have to fight with other CNP's about my meds (there is no collusion between CNP's), relying on one CNP for my pain relievers, and then facing another with differing philosophy regarding opiod pain management is just too distressing. I am critical of my clinic in this regard. There is no Dr. regulating the dispseral or lack thereof of pain narcotics. I want to be in charge of my future not any rogue CNP with an opposing viewpoint. Which brings me to the reason why I am in the position that I am in now. I have suffered two car crashes which damaged my back. I also have rheumtoid arthritis. Pain is part of my life. I'll talk about pain in another up-coming blog. Ciao.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
A rage from within
I want the shit beat out of me. I want to be thrown up against the walls. I want to be battered and bruised. I want my muscles to feel what their putting me through. Today is the first day of 2.5mg. of Methadone. I don't know what to do. Diverting my attention by writing is helping me marginally. I think I will attach my saddle bags on my motorcycle. Perhaps go for a ride. Thank God for Vistaril! It's not the end all of all end alls, but it calms my nerves somewhat. I still feel terrible though. Not a total miracle drug. Well readers, this is it for now. L'chiam.
A note to a friend
The motorcycle was a grand diversion from the up-coming withdrawals for the up-coming days and (weeks?) when I go off of Methadone for real. I am scared shitless. So to combat that fear, I have given myself something really to fear (a large motorcycle). I am feeling more comfortable on it now, but after dumping it today on a driveway hill it made me think long and hard upon a driver whom would simply not see me. It happened today on my scooter. I was almost road kill. What saved me was the manueverability of my scooter. If I had been on my cycle, I would have been seriously injured. The bike is not nimble. What it does have going for it is speed. Twice in three days I almost was killed on my scooter. What saved me on both occasions was the nimbleness of my scooter. My cycle is simply too pigish to manuever. I guess I will have to be super-defensive. I guess I will learn the nuances of my new bike and compensate with speed over agile handling. By the way, my leather saved my arm from road rash today. Thank God for cows. Thank you for going out with us on my B-day. Tomorrow (today) I cut my dose in half like so many other times down to 2.5mg./day. I will stay on this regimine for 10 days then cut loose to nada. I just finished listening to Pink Floyd's "Comfortably numb". It has been a long time since I have been "comfortably numb". It's not my mind that desires such a feeling but rather my body. It (my body) has been bugging me all along the way. I don't suspect that it will be any easier after I wake up this morning. I did however pray. Therein lies the key. The motorcycle? Let's just say that I won't die from withdrawals. Perhaps I should sell my bike. Perhaps as you say, I will get used to it and it will become second nature. No more Methadone? Perhaps last nature.
Friday, April 20, 2007
The Cost of Being Pain-Free
First, I was always in some degree of pain even with the Methadone howbeit far less than what I am enduring now. Chess is my favorite game. While on large doses (for me anyway) my game suffered. I couldn't win with the exception against people whom were beginners -even then I would lose. Now that I am more clear-headed, I am beating beginners and sometimes pulling of wins against superior players. All directly attributable to the lack of quantities of Meth. in my body. It's a trade-off: sobriety for thinking. Another way to look at it, pain for clear, accurate thought. It's a hard choice to be made. I value my mind and sure-footed wit over the intoxifying affects of Methadone. My life is in a state of flux at this very moment. What do I do? What are my options? I have two options: healthy ones and deadly ones. Stick to what I am going through now with even more prayer (tell more people what I am going through), or, suicide. The latter choice is not a serious one but is still a choice at any rate. Suicide gives me a breather. If that makes any sense. Soon I will be out of the woods so to speak and suicide will have been a fleeting fancy. If I choose life, I will live and grow old in pain. Don't worry whomever you are I will be fine. Please pray for me.
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