FREE AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After 8 days of hellish withdrawals from the total abstinence after my taper, I am now free from withdrawals! I made it! Done for good. Forever and ever amen. I am so happy for a loving God who delivers us from all maladies as He sees fit. At this point I want to publicly thank Jesus and the Holy Spirit whom without their constant closeness along with Jehova ( I am not a Jehova's Witness), I would not be writing this note of history in the life of Eric J. Moen. I owe a great prayerful debt to those who prayed for me when things looked bleak. Thank you Karlene, Sharon, Gregory, Scott and my Mom, et. al.. Thanks to all who were pulling for me. If anyone reads this testament of deliverance, let it be known that nothing in life is impossible. Honestly, the mornings gave me the most trouble. Approximately 4-6 hours of anguish at the worst points. I could have been easier on myself if I tapered over a much longer period of time. This isn't my style; perhaps I am masochistic. With Spring and Summer approaching, I wanted to be Methadone free for mental clarity as I knew that I was going to buy a motorcycle. I picked the shortest distance between two points. I say this to encourage other Methadone users to try to quit at a more leisurely pace. At a much more moderate taper, withdrawals can even be averted. The dragon has been slayed. I feel free at last!
eric_moen@msn.com

Methadone: Dangerous trap

This blog is for all of you who are advocates for Methadone clinics and Methadone use in use for chronic pain: wake up. I suffer from an herniated disk in my lower back which affects my left leg and upper mid back. The pain can be exquisite. I was on Darvocet 2-3/day before I was slapped into a Methadone due to my drug seeking behaviour for a drug that actually worked just fine. I wasn't in the clinic long enough to get too hooked on Meth. I wanted out. I didn't want to go 6 days a week for my "fix"; it was bullshit in every sense of the word. I entered a pain clinic which prescribed me 45mg./day Methadone. I was on this level for a couple of years in the form of a month's supply prescription at a time. I had a life once more. I am now as always still taking 2 Darvocet for break through pain. This arrangement is going fine. I am no longer taking Methadone. It has been 6 days since I went off of Meth. It is not easy. Even after a 6 week taper, my body convulses for want of the "wonder drug." Meth. attaches itself to fat tissues in your body and has a long half-life. I am now being tortured through withdrawals. If this was a true natural opiate, I would be fine by now. After 5 days of staying off of Methadone, I called a staff nurse to ascertain how long it would be before the un-pleasant side affects would continue and the answer was 2 more weeks. 2 weeks of presumed hell. For all of you who are addicted to Methadone, please consider getting off of it. It's very possible. And think about your desire to see further prescribing Methadone. If you are thinking clearly enough and want to try to escape the ties that bind, I will be praying for you (yes, prayer works). If you must advocate Methadone, abide by ethical treatment of the patient. The Hypocratic oath: Do no harm. eric_moen@msn.com

An Evil Taskmaster

After a terrible past several days, I am feeling a bit better. I haven't caved in to the Methadone. I have gone through some horrific withdrawals the past three days. Today was a good day. I rode my motorcycle on a small road trip. Being on the open road on a cycle is quite liberating. What else can I say? I went without my Klonipin for one day; no big deal. The doctor was gone for the past several days which caused a lapse in my Rx. I could just as well get rid of the Klonipin altogether as it is not doing much for me anyhow. I got an answer from my pain clinic as to how long I can expect to be un-comfortable from the lack of Methadone: two weeks. Judging from the past withdrawals, this will be an eternity. Let's just hope that today remains calm. Goodbye stranger, it's been nice. eric_moen@msn.com

Hellish morning

I awoke at 2:20 a.m. today facing crippling withdrawals. My legs could not rest. The muscles in my back were in total rebellion. My body was awash in agony. It was no less than torture. I wish that I felt good. I had to take both of my Darvocets this morning at 5:00 just to get through this trying time. I do not want to go into the hospital. I want to kick this on my own. I will not have Darvocet in the future to bail me out. This was by far the worst withdrawal that I have been through. It was merciless. I hope that this was the Methadone's last ditch effort to make me succumb to its intoxicating effects. I can only hope. I do not want to go through this morning again. May God deem this suffice. My music helps but not this morning. Vistaril has not helped except to make me sleepy. Akin to being buried alive. I hope that all who read this gain some insight into Methadone. It is a very dirty chicken-shit drug and very dangerous as well. eric_moen@msn.com

Not so easy

It's Sunday May 6th. Last night was a rough one. Pain and withdrawals were the courses of the evening. This morning is going okay; not great, just okay. It is difficult for me to write at my keyboard as my legs are so restless. I took my concoction of meds (non-narcotic) last night to get through the misery of both mental anguish and physical torment. I have good days and bad. Yesterday was bad. Today is starting out bad. I need prayer. I need to pray for myself I guess. I normally do not do such things as I consider it to be bad. I am not in the writing mood now. I will keep it short today. I will survive this; it is only a question of time. I have time. eric_moen@msn.com

Free at last!!!!

I made it through my first day off of Methadone with flying colors. Felt pretty comfortable all day with but a very brief moment or two that I thought that I should have had some, but fortunately They were very brief and posed no real threat. It is 2:55 a.m. Saturday morning and am ready to call my day a day. I am very sleepy now. My first clean day was a success. Praise Jesus that I have been doing so well. Thank you to all have prayed for me or kept me in their thoughts.

1st day of new life

It's 10:00a.m. Friday. No Methadone. My first clean day from Methadone, Feeling pretty good right now. Prayers are being answered. Thank you Karlene for your prayers, they have gotten me through this ordeal. So far, no cravings. It is a small miracle that I do not have withdrawals now. Praise the Lord Jesus! eric_moen@msn.com.

Tomorrow's the day

It is 20:12 Thursday May 3rd. This was the last day for my Methadone. Tomorrow I fly solo. 0mg. This morning was not particularly straining as I held off of taking my dose later in the morning to see how much I might suffer tomorrow. I try not to think too much about the next day. I figure the less I ruminate about it the better; it's merely a fact of life that I will not be taking Methadone anymore. My nurse practitioner re-prescribed me 60 Vistaril (anti-histamine) to combat any further uncomfortable withdrawals. I guess that I may be sleeping a lot. I am blessed by the fact that I am a free-lance photographer. I can take time off to get straight. With this being said, I am going to retire to relaxation for the rest of the evening with sugar and music. Possibly some chess tonight at an all night coffee shop hang-out. Good night and God bless. Please e-mail at eric_moen@msn.com I could use someone to talk to.

Motorcycle diversion

It is now early Monday morning (1:59). I don't know if I took my Methadone or not this morning (Sunday); this is good. I am no longer obsessing about it. Hopefully I did not. Today (Sunday) I went for a long excursion on my newly acquired motorcycle. If I haven't mentioned it yet, I will tell you that is a 750 Yamaha Maxim 1982. Yup it's 25 years old. It runs very good and doesn't drip things on the garage floor. My highway ride took my mind off of all my problems. Very relaxing. Some guys fly airplanes, I fly my motorcycle. Maybe next year I'll up-grade to a Harley Sportster. This year I went from a puny 49cc scooter right into a 750cc. At first it was difficult riding in the city on such a heavy bike. But now I have mastered riding it. Whenever I get too stressed out, I go for a ride. I am still in a holding pattern regarding my Meth use. In a few short days, I will be off of it; with a lot of strength from God. Well, goodnight for now. - Eric

Rough around the edges

Today is Saturday morning. Early Saturday morning. I feel apprehensive and uneasy. I also feel like I have a low grade case of the flu. It has been an hour and a half since I awoke. I haven't taken any of my Methadone yet in preparation for the up-coming day of no Methadone. It may be uncomfortable for a while, but I'll get through it. Six days and counting down to 0mg. Today is not starting out on a good note. I need to drive later this morning so Vistaral is not being considered. I am listening to music which aids greatly. By for now.

Feeling good (praise Jesus!)

It has been a few days since I have wrote anything; this is good. No news is good news so-to-speak. I am still on 2.5mg. of Methadone down from 35mg. and doing well. I am not quite so apprehensive about 0mg. as I once had been. I know that it will be tough for the first day, but hopefully it will only bother me for no more than 2 days. I am at peace for the first time since I started this taper. At this point, I can dare say that I am out of the woods. I will be in a holding pattern at 2.5mg. for about a week. This should be enough to get me to 0mg. (too long?). At this juncture, I want to publicly thank all of the people that have been holding me up in prayer and also positive energy. Thank you all. I am still taking Darvocet. 2 tabs of N100/day for pain. This too is slated for the wrecking ball. I am not as enthused about this taper though. This is not my decision. It is the decision of a fill-in nurse practitioner. I will need to speak to my regular CNP to get his final thoughts. This is in itself a good reason to give up the Darvocet as well. If I have to fight with other CNP's about my meds (there is no collusion between CNP's), relying on one CNP for my pain relievers, and then facing another with differing philosophy regarding opiod pain management is just too distressing. I am critical of my clinic in this regard. There is no Dr. regulating the dispseral or lack thereof of pain narcotics. I want to be in charge of my future not any rogue CNP with an opposing viewpoint. Which brings me to the reason why I am in the position that I am in now. I have suffered two car crashes which damaged my back. I also have rheumtoid arthritis. Pain is part of my life. I'll talk about pain in another up-coming blog. Ciao.

A rage from within

I want the shit beat out of me. I want to be thrown up against the walls. I want to be battered and bruised. I want my muscles to feel what their putting me through. Today is the first day of 2.5mg. of Methadone. I don't know what to do. Diverting my attention by writing is helping me marginally. I think I will attach my saddle bags on my motorcycle. Perhaps go for a ride. Thank God for Vistaril! It's not the end all of all end alls, but it calms my nerves somewhat. I still feel terrible though. Not a total miracle drug. Well readers, this is it for now. L'chiam.

A note to a friend

The motorcycle was a grand diversion from the up-coming withdrawals for the up-coming days and (weeks?) when I go off of Methadone for real. I am scared shitless. So to combat that fear, I have given myself something really to fear (a large motorcycle). I am feeling more comfortable on it now, but after dumping it today on a driveway hill it made me think long and hard upon a driver whom would simply not see me. It happened today on my scooter. I was almost road kill. What saved me was the manueverability of my scooter. If I had been on my cycle, I would have been seriously injured. The bike is not nimble. What it does have going for it is speed. Twice in three days I almost was killed on my scooter. What saved me on both occasions was the nimbleness of my scooter. My cycle is simply too pigish to manuever. I guess I will have to be super-defensive. I guess I will learn the nuances of my new bike and compensate with speed over agile handling. By the way, my leather saved my arm from road rash today. Thank God for cows. Thank you for going out with us on my B-day. Tomorrow (today) I cut my dose in half like so many other times down to 2.5mg./day. I will stay on this regimine for 10 days then cut loose to nada. I just finished listening to Pink Floyd's "Comfortably numb". It has been a long time since I have been "comfortably numb". It's not my mind that desires such a feeling but rather my body. It (my body) has been bugging me all along the way. I don't suspect that it will be any easier after I wake up this morning. I did however pray. Therein lies the key. The motorcycle? Let's just say that I won't die from withdrawals. Perhaps I should sell my bike. Perhaps as you say, I will get used to it and it will become second nature. No more Methadone? Perhaps last nature.

A Tough Morning

I didn't get much sleep last night which is probably why I have been so distressed this morning. I should be okay by now; but I am not. This is hard. The bug flesh. the muscle contractions, the wanitng to get over this horrid state of life ASAP. Well, I took my Methadone and am right with the world. I have been on 5g. for about a week now. I should not be that sensitive to lack of Methadone so early in the morning. What the hell is going to happen to me when I go down to 0?

Background Info Friday 4/20 1:33a.m.

I have been rambling on about my Methadone usage or lack of it, but haven't given any insight about how I was introduced to Methadone. I am a chronic pain patient. I have been involved in two car crashes; one very severe. My back suffered injuries in both the upper and lower regions. I spent a brief stint in a Methadone clinic due to "drug seeking". Thank God that I chose to get out of there very soon so that I didn't get too entrenched with Methadone. The thought of having to go six days a week to get my "fix" seemed only too bogus. I would endure my pain. I still had my pain. I finally got into a pain clinic which prescribed me tablet form Methadone for a month at a time. I also receive two Darvocet N100 tabs/day for pain along with muscle relaxants. My highest dose was 45mg of Meth. for months (year+?). I voluntarily chose to get off Meth. When I am off of Methadone, next to go will possibly be the Darvocet. I am now at 5gm. (meth) until the 23rd of April. Then I dose down to 2.5mg. I remember when I made the mistake of taking 2.5mg. instead of my usual 5mg. It was hell. Now I get to look forward to that pain both physical and mental. My pain doesn't get any better throughout this mess, it gets worse. It is my hope that they will reconsider allowing me to keep the Darvocet. I am a walking pharmacy. I have mental health issues as well which only complicate things much further. I am Bi-polar with schizo-affective disorder on top of everything else. I take Klonipin with anti-psych meds. I take Ambien CR to sleep. I take Vistaril for withdrawal symptoms. I take Senna to crap. At one point, my doctor was thinking about prescribing amphetamines to wake me up in the morning. Right now, I am hypo-manic which makes sleeping tough. I have a motor scooter. Tomorrow I want to buy a Honda Goldwing (used). A huge difference. I want to go to Sturgis. I don't know if I will dump the thing on my first trial run. Perhaps I will have enough presence of mind to be able to handle it. I am very fearful of 0mg. of Methadone. Now you know me more. "Without chemicals, life itself would be impossible." - Dow corp.

Last Thursday: Triumph!

The day started on a positive note: I slept a good amount of time into the morning. I awoke feeling more refreshed than I have since I began this taper. This morale boosting day lasted into the early morning hours into the next day. absolutely no withdrawal symptoms This was the last day of 10mg. of Methadone.
Next was going to prove my fortitude down to the very marrow of my soul.

Sort of peaceful

Things are getting easier thank God! Thursday I dose down to 5mg./day. I am somewhat apprehensive, but then again I have been apprehensive about all of dose downs. Yes I suffered through all og=f them to a certain extent. I guess I am just going to enjoy the next day while I have it. I'm sleeping!! Both at night and taking a nap. This is huge. I also had watched an hour of television which is a great leap. Before, I was tied to my keyboard during my spare time. My computer suffered a major wound today and I spent a lot of time on damage control. I was barraged by 17 trojan horses and other nasty things. Norton, my computer protection, was totally oblivious to the whole nightmare. I am a photographer and I have all of my photos on my computer. I wasn't able to access them. Fortunately, Kodak bailed me out; God bless 'em. I am sort of nervous, but somewhat at peace at the same time. I hope that I will find myself in this place 2 weeks from now. God willing, I will. 2 weeks. When I quit smoking, I was told the nic fits would only last for 2 weeks. 2 weeks came and went; I still was having nic fits. I told myself that I would give it 1 more week and if I was still miserable, I would go back to smoking. The third week came and the severe fits were gone. I made it cold turkey. I withstood and won. Thanks to Jesus. It is nearly 23:00 and I am getting a little squeemish, but this too will pass. One day at a time. One song at a time. One minute at a time. Yes, I am afraid. What will 2 weeks of no Methadone feel like? One week? One day? One month? I thinkthat writing about it all may help me through it. I hope someone who has gone through this proccess will talk to me. I need info. I am starting to become drowsy from the Ambien now. Blessed sleep. Well Scott if you have read this, thank you. Even my good friend Jim won't bother reading this. a counselor at the drop-in center whom I hardly even know takes interest in me. Well, that's how life goes on. One of my favorite quotes which I deem worthy of repeating: "New born eyes always cry with pain." - Chris Rea. God Bless

Guarded peace

It is now Monday morning. I didn't write yesterday as things were fairly under control. Yesterday was the first day of 10mg. dose down from 15mg. I had plenty of distractions yesterday as it was Easter. My family and I went out to eat. I did have a difficult time with things between 4-5 p.m. though. Right before my evening "rescue" dose of Darvocet and Klonipin. Most of the time these have a marginal affect on me but they did work well yesterday. Prayers are being answered. In all sincerity they are; I can feel that they are being answered. As I pray for others, they pray for me. It's 10:44a.m. I am going into a withdrawal. My body is very restless. constantly moving, muscles twitching. My mind is in an inexplicable hell. It wants to feel good. It misses euphoria. My synapses are squealing; bastards. Pain receptors are snapping in protest. They will get what they are looking for when I am ready to give them some, but for now, I am going to wait and let them suffer for a while. I refuse to let my life be ruled by pain receptors. If any parents of teen-agers or pre-teens, are ever going to read these blogs, maybe your kids should read them as well to avoid drug use in the future. It is now 11:00. I broke down and took my meds. This is still pretty late in the morning for me to take my meds. I don't feel good. I can't die, but yet I don't want to live. I think that it is time for some music and wait. Yesterday gave me some hope. Yes, some bona fide hope. Maybe it was just Easter: maybe it is as eternal as Easter. Amen.

Hell

I haven't even went down to 10mg. yet I feel bugs crawling under my skin. My muscles want to uncontrollably want to contract. I have a little nausea going on here right now. Anger, ANGER, ANGER!!!! I am pissed off now with the whole damn thing. I am tired of withdrawals. They have been lasting longer than normal. I am ging to try to weather this out for another 10 minutes. If I don't feel any better, then I will take my daily dose. Just after I finished this last sentence, I broke down and took my daily dose of my Methadone. So much for will power. Will power is over-rated anyway. Time to go. Bye. Write at ya later. - Eric

No sleep

I wish I wanted to go to sleep. It's 3:00a.m. I'm not feeling good. I don't know how I am going to make it. Suicide anyone? It would be a whole lot better than going it alone. I had better try to get some sleep. Good night whoever you are.