Not So Good, Not so bad

Tonight is Monday April 16. I am down to 5mg. of Methadone. This morning was the worst as I did not take my full 5mg. at once. I was confused and took only 2.5mg. I then realized my mistake and corrected it right away. It was the worst morning I have had yet. This concerns me as I wonder how I will be on 0mg.. Withdrawals are hard. If anyone ever reads this that is thinking about tapering off and a addictive opiate, particularily Methadone, I would suggest a slower taper down period than what I chose. I generally suffer for at least one day of the first drop down to the next lower level. I am now taking Vistaril which is helping considerably. It is not impossible. Tell people what is going on with you. You might be surprised by the amount of support you will receive. There may be people who judge you in a different manner than they would of other people. That is their problem not yours. Ask for prayer, prayer does make things go better. It is true. I am getting tired now I must go. Godd night for now. Peace.

Last Thursday: Triumph!

The day started on a positive note: I slept a good amount of time into the morning. I awoke feeling more refreshed than I have since I began this taper. This morale boosting day lasted into the early morning hours into the next day. absolutely no withdrawal symptoms This was the last day of 10mg. of Methadone.
Next was going to prove my fortitude down to the very marrow of my soul.

Sort of peaceful

Things are getting easier thank God! Thursday I dose down to 5mg./day. I am somewhat apprehensive, but then again I have been apprehensive about all of dose downs. Yes I suffered through all og=f them to a certain extent. I guess I am just going to enjoy the next day while I have it. I'm sleeping!! Both at night and taking a nap. This is huge. I also had watched an hour of television which is a great leap. Before, I was tied to my keyboard during my spare time. My computer suffered a major wound today and I spent a lot of time on damage control. I was barraged by 17 trojan horses and other nasty things. Norton, my computer protection, was totally oblivious to the whole nightmare. I am a photographer and I have all of my photos on my computer. I wasn't able to access them. Fortunately, Kodak bailed me out; God bless 'em. I am sort of nervous, but somewhat at peace at the same time. I hope that I will find myself in this place 2 weeks from now. God willing, I will. 2 weeks. When I quit smoking, I was told the nic fits would only last for 2 weeks. 2 weeks came and went; I still was having nic fits. I told myself that I would give it 1 more week and if I was still miserable, I would go back to smoking. The third week came and the severe fits were gone. I made it cold turkey. I withstood and won. Thanks to Jesus. It is nearly 23:00 and I am getting a little squeemish, but this too will pass. One day at a time. One song at a time. One minute at a time. Yes, I am afraid. What will 2 weeks of no Methadone feel like? One week? One day? One month? I thinkthat writing about it all may help me through it. I hope someone who has gone through this proccess will talk to me. I need info. I am starting to become drowsy from the Ambien now. Blessed sleep. Well Scott if you have read this, thank you. Even my good friend Jim won't bother reading this. a counselor at the drop-in center whom I hardly even know takes interest in me. Well, that's how life goes on. One of my favorite quotes which I deem worthy of repeating: "New born eyes always cry with pain." - Chris Rea. God Bless

Keep on keepin' on

1:40a.m. having difficulty in sleeping. Just broke down and popped open a cherry Coke. I am not having a lot of fun now. I have been worse. It has been approx. 40 days and I had one five day set back. No one's perfect. Except Jesus. I am still at ten mg. soon to be 5. This oughta be a hoot. Oh joy. I am pacing myself a little faster than normal with the exception of the extra five days I needed due to a mistake on my part. I am tired of feeling crappy. There are and have been much harder come downs. One Dr. suggested doing this over a year's period of time. There my muscles in my legs go again. All antsy. Today (rather yesterday) was the last time I met with a group of chronic pain patients. It was a ten week commitment which flew by. I wish that I felt better. You can wish in one hand and.... I don't know if writing about it is the right thing to do or not; at least it can as a pressure cooked being relieved of Its pent up steam. Now my sleep meds are kicking in; I need sleep. Goodnight everyone and ecpecially Scott and Don (they know whom they are). Thank you everyone for your support. - Eric

Guarded peace

It is now Monday morning. I didn't write yesterday as things were fairly under control. Yesterday was the first day of 10mg. dose down from 15mg. I had plenty of distractions yesterday as it was Easter. My family and I went out to eat. I did have a difficult time with things between 4-5 p.m. though. Right before my evening "rescue" dose of Darvocet and Klonipin. Most of the time these have a marginal affect on me but they did work well yesterday. Prayers are being answered. In all sincerity they are; I can feel that they are being answered. As I pray for others, they pray for me. It's 10:44a.m. I am going into a withdrawal. My body is very restless. constantly moving, muscles twitching. My mind is in an inexplicable hell. It wants to feel good. It misses euphoria. My synapses are squealing; bastards. Pain receptors are snapping in protest. They will get what they are looking for when I am ready to give them some, but for now, I am going to wait and let them suffer for a while. I refuse to let my life be ruled by pain receptors. If any parents of teen-agers or pre-teens, are ever going to read these blogs, maybe your kids should read them as well to avoid drug use in the future. It is now 11:00. I broke down and took my meds. This is still pretty late in the morning for me to take my meds. I don't feel good. I can't die, but yet I don't want to live. I think that it is time for some music and wait. Yesterday gave me some hope. Yes, some bona fide hope. Maybe it was just Easter: maybe it is as eternal as Easter. Amen.