Not a good evening

The day has been trying but not as bad as tonight. I have finally settled down after taking 150mg. of Topamax and 1 AmbienCR. The Ambien is not making me tired, it is just taking the edge off of my anguish. I now feel "normal" praise God. My day was difficult as I was trying to take some shots of a waterfalls in my city (Minneapolis). I forgot to change a manual setting and ruined all of my shots. I have a digital SLR which is fully automatic but I usually shoot in various manual modes and sometimes forget to reset them to the needs of what is currently needed. Chalk one up to mental fatigue. My back pain is getting worse and am needing more and more Ibuprophen to ease the pain. I have upper GI issues from the past usage of Ibuprophen which I hope won't resurface but which probably will. I guess some are cursed in life. Euphoria it sure does feel good. Lack of pain sure feels good. For all you people out there that do not have problems like people such as myself try to be thankful for a straight forward manner of living. Suicide. Not yet. I just wanted to touch upon the thought. Not even toying with it - just a thought. One positive thing tonight, I figured out how to get my mug on my page. Handsome bugger aren't I? Not very much music tonight. I'm getting bored with all of my favorite CDs. It is really great to feel okay without Methadone coursing through my veins at least not at the rate as earlier in the day. Am I cheating with the Ambien? I dare anyone to answer this question. Anyone. Just say something so I know that I am not talking only to myself. I can take critisizm. Even if only to correct my spelling. I lost a love to suicide. I don't want to put others through that pain. I guess this is it for tonight. God bless everyone who reads this and those who don't. - Eric

Another night

Well, I had a picture of little 'ol me but in my ineptness couldn't figure out how to write and keep the pic at the same time. It is 11:48p.m.. I'm at 15mg.; it is going fairly well. I am fairly comfortable. Once again music is very important. I couldn't survive without it. To all my cohorts out there that are suffering, exercise definately helps! I'm a fine one to preach as I haven't done much lately but when I have, I had felt better. We're not talking around the block here. Our endorphin receptors are too starved for any thing of that consequence; it has to be fairly physical to register in our brains to release adequate endorphins. My brain has been given abnormally high doses of pleasure poisons to my brain receptors and has spoiled them rotten. They are used to the "high" life and need a lot to be happy. Unfortunately, Methadone lodges itself in fat tissues in the body. When the brain is starved of the pleasure components to the brain, it starts to attack the fat tissues looking fo rthe drug stored there. This takes place after the drug has been substantially reduced and even after cessation. It is quite insidious. As far as I know, Heroin does not have this feature to it. I have heard of people whom were Heroin addicts placed on Methadone and tried to kick Methadone and couldn't so they went back to Heroin and found it easier to become clean from Heroin than from Methadone. This is not the rule of course. There are worse drugs to kick. Supossodedly Methamphetamines are a life long battle or so I have heard. Whether this is fact or not is purely conjecture. I am still at the point where I still "feel" the drug at 15mg. at 5mg. I fear I won't feel the drug. Let's face it, I like euphoria. Euphoria feels good. Pain sucks. My pain is rearing it's ugly head. Just another piece of hell that I have to endure. My chess game is improving depending on what time of day I play. Clearness of mind is refreshing. A BIG bonus to this otherwise horrible situation. Both of my business' are on hold right now until I feel a bit better. I am making too many mistakes right now. Too much on my plate. I miss sleep. Hopefully the Ambien will start in. For all of you who pray, please pray for me; I need it big time. I think it may be time for more Topamax. Drugs drugs drugs. "Without chemicals, life itself would be impossible." - Dow Corp. Good night. Eric

Eric's flipped out methadone banter

Alright, I couldn't handle 10mg. just yet last night. Back to 15mg. for another five days and try it again. I was told that I was doing this whole ween thing too fast but I am impatient. I want to get it over and done with right now. At least I got some Ambien CR to help with sleep. I know, what a wuss, he needs all of these other crutches to get by; if it works, it works amen to that. "Newborn eyes always cry with pain". - Chris Rhea. I am much more comfortable now than this early morning of about 3:00a.m. (it is 11:22p.m. now)With luck, the Ambien will hold me down to at least 8:00a.m. tomorrow. I have Neil Diamond singing in my ears now via headphones. Something very raw, honest and earthy about his songs. The same quality I find comfort in punk rock. Yeah, Neil can rock. I hope someone reads this. Well, soon sleep will overcome me with any luck. I guess that's it for tonight. A fairly peaceful night; I consider myself blessed. Bye to whomever may read read this. If it is an addict, I hope you read my last night's (this morning's) banter of misery and then read this one. Life is not entirely bad. Ciao.

Eric

Addiction is the topic today. I was going to rail on about Chernobyl but found that Methadone withdrawals occupy my mind at the forefront. This is Methadone not Methamphetamines. A large difference. Let's be clear what got me in this mess to begin with. I do not judge. I became hooked due to chronic pain syndrome and not heroin. Not that that makes me any better or worse. I am addicted just the same. I chose to get off of methadone (a narcotic opioid pain killer) to clear my mind. I was constantly losing things and generally having a sub-par mental alertness. At one point, I was on 45mg/day. Then dropped down to 35mg/day for a long time. This dose was my starting point to being clean from the drug. I am now down to 10mg/day and hating life. Writing about it helps immensely. The symptoms so far include being constantly cold, terrible irritability, crawling flesh, mental anguish and flu-like symptoms. I haven't even come to the hard part yet! Life is so precious but can really suck at times like these. Calling hospitals begging for Valium and knowing full well they're not going to give me any. Not at this stage anyway (I do have a small amount of Klonipin that I can take, but I keep it for the evening so I can try to sleep. Music helps. Calms the savage beast so to speak. I hate life right now. My advice for people in chronic pain, deal with it without drugs. You'll be so very much better off without them. You're constantly at the whim of your doctors if they will continue to prescribe your drugs. Nothing in this life is for certain. You could go the way of Anna Nicole Smith and other notable tragics who did find the "right" doctors. If you live somewhere that doesn't suit your pain, move. Find a nice place. Have friends that use? Lose 'em. Leave. Don't walk away from your problems, run. Give yourself a fighting chance. Of course you have to deal with unpleasant situations that you simply cannot run away from, but the sooner you figure them out either by yourself or help from a trusted person in your life the easier your pain will be able to deal with. Or whatever. You Don't want to go through this!!!! I am going to make it through this; I have no choice. It isn't that bad that suicide is even a thought. It comes in waves. I am now out of a bad wave and doing better since I started writing this blog. Between the music and writing, I am better. Praise God! Never forget that Jesus exists for us at all times. I am not a Bible thumper and you won't hear me talk much about God, but at times I do have to give credit where credit is due. "Everybody in the fun house wants out" - Del Amitri. My all time favorite quote: "When your going through hell, keep going."- Sir Winston Churchill. I hope someone has benefited from my diatribe. Peace